I have made it three days back in the work world. I'm exhausted. I really need a part-time schedule - with full-time pay. I had a friend send an excellent idea for a background story for me here in Northern Indiana. He said he once told folks at a new job location that his family were rodent farmers! How awesome is that. I'm open to other suggestions! I wish I had told them I prefer to be called Laqueesha - my friend from Fishers library. They would have put it on my security badge and everything. Then I could go get really long finger nails and talk with a Laqueesha accent!
They talk funny here - like a canadian accent - ya know? They think I talk with a twang. I don't but I will. I think I will be from southern Georgia. And my family will either be rodent farmers, (that is just such an awesome story) or nose hair barbers. Maybe I need to refine that a bit. Maybe I was once an FBI special agent that was reassigned to Zimmer through the witness protection program.
I will NOT miss applying for unemployment every week only to have the state of Indiana tell me I will not be receiving anything. I fill out about 7 full screens only to get a DENIED! It's like Someone's Man Mitch is laughing in my face!
Maybe I could be a past gator wrestler. Or a lion trainer with the circus. There are soooo many possibilities.
Any of you out there that are unemployed, consider developing a fake career you can tell people. It's so much more fun than saying, "I'm currently seeking unique opportunities".
My sleep pattern is slowly returning to normal. It's hard not seeing my late night TV shows. I am so out of the loop on Kid Killers and Fatal Attractions. I have found a new one called, "Disappeared" - creepy but interesting and within prime time so I can watch it.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Entering the Working World
Well, today I re-entered the workforce. I will miss sleeping in late and wearing shorts and flip flops daily. Women's dress shoes are so uncomfortable!
Lilly and I have moved into our new place and are adjusting. She doesn't yet understand what the heck is going on but she is doing well.
My son Noah helped me shop for antique furniture for my place and we found some great deals!
I began the day meeting my boss at my new office. I then had a series of meetings all day long. I can't complain, my security badge information was pretty darn good so that's a good start!!!
My office has been scavenged such that only a desk remains. I will spruce it up soon enough.
I forgot how interesting people in the workplace can be. Some are very friendly, some seem to hate being at work. I tried to tell these haters how unappealing unemployment is but they just stared at me like I was looney.
Starting work in a completely new city and new company allows me to re-invent myself. I toyed with going in with an Australian accent but I have trouble keeping it going - sometimes it sounds like a British accent or a bit Irish or even Indian.
I'm still deciding whether to tell them I used to be a model or maybe a brain surgeon. They have no idea - could be really fun.
I did get to see how orthopedic implants are made today - fascinating process. I think I might even get brave enough to watch one actually be implanted in a real person.
Many of you wished me well today as I began the day. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciated that. It really made me feel less alone.
I'll keep adding to the blog as I have learnings about starting a new job.
Lilly and I have moved into our new place and are adjusting. She doesn't yet understand what the heck is going on but she is doing well.
My son Noah helped me shop for antique furniture for my place and we found some great deals!
I began the day meeting my boss at my new office. I then had a series of meetings all day long. I can't complain, my security badge information was pretty darn good so that's a good start!!!
My office has been scavenged such that only a desk remains. I will spruce it up soon enough.
I forgot how interesting people in the workplace can be. Some are very friendly, some seem to hate being at work. I tried to tell these haters how unappealing unemployment is but they just stared at me like I was looney.
Starting work in a completely new city and new company allows me to re-invent myself. I toyed with going in with an Australian accent but I have trouble keeping it going - sometimes it sounds like a British accent or a bit Irish or even Indian.
I'm still deciding whether to tell them I used to be a model or maybe a brain surgeon. They have no idea - could be really fun.
I did get to see how orthopedic implants are made today - fascinating process. I think I might even get brave enough to watch one actually be implanted in a real person.
Many of you wished me well today as I began the day. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciated that. It really made me feel less alone.
I'll keep adding to the blog as I have learnings about starting a new job.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Buying in Bulk
In case they see this, I will preface this post by saying that I love my mother and sister dearly. They are both Costco members and I had the chance to go to Costco for the first time in my life Saturday. I figured, I have been unemployed so i need to consider buying in bulk. What was I thinking?
It was an interesting experience - a bit scary - but interesting.
Our journey began with a huge influx of Costco faithfuls pouring into the Costco near Castleton. It was nearly 100 degrees out so it was very warm inside the Costco warehouse. I spent much of my time in the fresh vegetable and fruit section which was a food freezer. The temperature was just right for me.
I must admit that i have never seen some of the items sold at Costco. Four pound boxes of Cheese Its, 2 pound containers of mustard. I like mustard a lot but I don't really have anywhere to store 2 pounds of mustard. Then there was the 48 rolls of toilet paper. Imagine how many houses you could TP with that much toilet paper!
They had free food samples so I thought maybe I would be able to grab a quick lunch of food samples. But the food samples were weird!!! Black bean burgers! Dill pickles! Greek yogurt! Humus! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! Who eats this stuff?!? (My sister - that's who and Kathy Sanders!).
Where were the pizza samples and chips/dip, pork chops, brownies, any real food?
I also visited the pharmacy section where you can buy bulk vitamins and medication. I nearly got a 248 count tylenol but it wouldn't fit in my medicine cabinet. I also wanted to get a 3 pound container of Fred Flintstone vitamins, (those things taste awesome) but wasn't sure if Fred Flintstone vitamins work for adults.
I settled on getting two toasters, an iron, 120 pack of dryer sheets, (I will never have to purchase these again!), water and gatorade.
Mom - thanks for an experience I will never forget. Unless Dave and I decide to adopt 12 or more children, I think I will just shop at regular grocery stores from now on - big containers of food, much like big people, scare me.
It was an interesting experience - a bit scary - but interesting.
Our journey began with a huge influx of Costco faithfuls pouring into the Costco near Castleton. It was nearly 100 degrees out so it was very warm inside the Costco warehouse. I spent much of my time in the fresh vegetable and fruit section which was a food freezer. The temperature was just right for me.
I must admit that i have never seen some of the items sold at Costco. Four pound boxes of Cheese Its, 2 pound containers of mustard. I like mustard a lot but I don't really have anywhere to store 2 pounds of mustard. Then there was the 48 rolls of toilet paper. Imagine how many houses you could TP with that much toilet paper!
They had free food samples so I thought maybe I would be able to grab a quick lunch of food samples. But the food samples were weird!!! Black bean burgers! Dill pickles! Greek yogurt! Humus! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! Who eats this stuff?!? (My sister - that's who and Kathy Sanders!).
Where were the pizza samples and chips/dip, pork chops, brownies, any real food?
I also visited the pharmacy section where you can buy bulk vitamins and medication. I nearly got a 248 count tylenol but it wouldn't fit in my medicine cabinet. I also wanted to get a 3 pound container of Fred Flintstone vitamins, (those things taste awesome) but wasn't sure if Fred Flintstone vitamins work for adults.
I settled on getting two toasters, an iron, 120 pack of dryer sheets, (I will never have to purchase these again!), water and gatorade.
Mom - thanks for an experience I will never forget. Unless Dave and I decide to adopt 12 or more children, I think I will just shop at regular grocery stores from now on - big containers of food, much like big people, scare me.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Urine Testing and Paperwork
Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to have a new job. However, the e-mails I continue to get to fill out paperwork are astounding. I have received 20 plus e-mails asking me to print paperwork, sign it, scan it and e-mail it back. They obviously don't realize that I have afternoon naps to take and food to eat. Gosh!
And I had the pleasure of going to a lab at 71st street in Indy to take a urine test. Now this is a test I know I can pass - with flying colors. However, the lab "technician" or pervert or whatever she was, wanted to watch me urinate. I declined that fabulous offer and informed her that only DOL employees have to be observed when peeing - believe me I did my research on this one. She then wanted me to crack the bathroom door so she could hear me. I told her she could pat me down or what ever she wanted but I can't pee if people are observing. So she opted to stand outside the bathroom door and listen - urine fetish I guess.
I normally have to go to the bathroom rather frequently. Of course, once I had an audience, I could not go to save my life. So I was then informed by Penny the Pee perv that I could not leave the collection clinic until I peed in the cup or it would be noted as a refusal to comply. What the heck! So I drank over 40 ounces, (no lie) of water trying to coax my bladder. I finally was able to give the minimum amount of urine.
Of course I got no sleep last night because I had to pee every 2 hours from all the water.
At least I will take some satisfaction in knowing that "Penny" has to handle other people's urine all day!
And I had the pleasure of going to a lab at 71st street in Indy to take a urine test. Now this is a test I know I can pass - with flying colors. However, the lab "technician" or pervert or whatever she was, wanted to watch me urinate. I declined that fabulous offer and informed her that only DOL employees have to be observed when peeing - believe me I did my research on this one. She then wanted me to crack the bathroom door so she could hear me. I told her she could pat me down or what ever she wanted but I can't pee if people are observing. So she opted to stand outside the bathroom door and listen - urine fetish I guess.
I normally have to go to the bathroom rather frequently. Of course, once I had an audience, I could not go to save my life. So I was then informed by Penny the Pee perv that I could not leave the collection clinic until I peed in the cup or it would be noted as a refusal to comply. What the heck! So I drank over 40 ounces, (no lie) of water trying to coax my bladder. I finally was able to give the minimum amount of urine.
Of course I got no sleep last night because I had to pee every 2 hours from all the water.
At least I will take some satisfaction in knowing that "Penny" has to handle other people's urine all day!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Kill the Chipmunks...
I really need to start work soon, for several reasons. First, I have become obsessed with my flowers this year - I'm like a crazy old lady with 100 cats only I have 100 flowers. I planted some very pretty Gerber Daisies. They were awesome. Then came the chipmunks. Now, normally, I like chipmunks. They seemed all cute and whatnot. Now I want to kill the chipmunks. They are eating my plants. And they are fast little suckers. Can't catch them with my hands. Maybe I will go all Hunger Games on them and set traps and such. Are you beginning to see why I need work?!?
Second, my brain is slowly decreasing in capability. As I mentioned before, I have received an offer from a great company. The offer was verbal and I have been awaiting a written offer for over a week. I was complaining to my husband this morning about the negative candidate experience I was having and that I was tempted to call my new boss and tell her that I didn't know if I wanted to take the job as I have received no communication. Then I realized that I am a complete moron who didn't know how to check my cell phone for voicemail messages. My future employer, (unless they realize how dumb I am) had left three messages asking me to provide some information on-line. DUH! I promptly called the Recruiter and completed the information at warp speed.
Maybe chipmunk hunting will sharpen my mind. I'm heading to Walmart now for some camo and ammo and black face paint. Those two chipmunks don't stand a chance.
Second, my brain is slowly decreasing in capability. As I mentioned before, I have received an offer from a great company. The offer was verbal and I have been awaiting a written offer for over a week. I was complaining to my husband this morning about the negative candidate experience I was having and that I was tempted to call my new boss and tell her that I didn't know if I wanted to take the job as I have received no communication. Then I realized that I am a complete moron who didn't know how to check my cell phone for voicemail messages. My future employer, (unless they realize how dumb I am) had left three messages asking me to provide some information on-line. DUH! I promptly called the Recruiter and completed the information at warp speed.
Maybe chipmunk hunting will sharpen my mind. I'm heading to Walmart now for some camo and ammo and black face paint. Those two chipmunks don't stand a chance.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Year of the Skunk
So, I have officially been disinherited by my father for the Merle Haggard comments. I stand by my statements. Freedom of speech and all that!!
The more I think about 2012, the more I believe it is a year that will go down as having a stinky start!! First, Dave has to have open heart surgery, then I leave Roche without another job and do the unemployment thing, then Chelsea has to start the kidney transplant process and THEN she has to get her tonsils out. And I was promised tickets to Zoobilation by my ex-employer which are now out of the question. AND my baby boy will be a Senior next school year! So I am old and it has been a crappy year so far. Other cultures have years named for animals - year of the monkey, year of the snake, etc. I deem 2012 the Year of the Skunk for its stinkiness.
Maybe the second half of 2012 will be the year of the Puppy, (everyone loves a puppy - right - cute, cuddly, fun, happy!). I mean there have been some signs that things are changing...I almost have a job, (still waiting for that paper offer letter. My new employer uses Taleo as Roche does and are awaiting approval of the requisition in the system. Apparently the Finance approver is on vacation and has no system proxy). And I have read a lot of books that had been collecting dust for years. And I have an awesome tan - sitting outside drinking my iced tea has become a ritual for me. My kids are gorgeous and I no longer spend time in the underbelly of the Fishers Library, (BTW, one of my contacts from the underbelly has informed me that Laqueesha is back. Apparently her ability to do good hair was all in her mind. I might go back into the underbelly and do a documentary or short story featuring Laqueesha). Oh, and all of you have been so kind and helpful that I realize "you like me, you really like me!" (For those youngsters in the audience, that was a Sally Field shoutout).
Well, I have to go back to my latest venture - online college courses that your tax dollars pay for me to take!! I am studying Philosophy. It makes my brain tired to try to keep up with all the arguments people spend time making up in Philosophy. And the questions on the weekly assignments are really not meant to be answered...What's the meaning of life?...Who is God?...What is most real or ultimately real? What the heck!!! I should have taken HR 101!
The more I think about 2012, the more I believe it is a year that will go down as having a stinky start!! First, Dave has to have open heart surgery, then I leave Roche without another job and do the unemployment thing, then Chelsea has to start the kidney transplant process and THEN she has to get her tonsils out. And I was promised tickets to Zoobilation by my ex-employer which are now out of the question. AND my baby boy will be a Senior next school year! So I am old and it has been a crappy year so far. Other cultures have years named for animals - year of the monkey, year of the snake, etc. I deem 2012 the Year of the Skunk for its stinkiness.
Maybe the second half of 2012 will be the year of the Puppy, (everyone loves a puppy - right - cute, cuddly, fun, happy!). I mean there have been some signs that things are changing...I almost have a job, (still waiting for that paper offer letter. My new employer uses Taleo as Roche does and are awaiting approval of the requisition in the system. Apparently the Finance approver is on vacation and has no system proxy). And I have read a lot of books that had been collecting dust for years. And I have an awesome tan - sitting outside drinking my iced tea has become a ritual for me. My kids are gorgeous and I no longer spend time in the underbelly of the Fishers Library, (BTW, one of my contacts from the underbelly has informed me that Laqueesha is back. Apparently her ability to do good hair was all in her mind. I might go back into the underbelly and do a documentary or short story featuring Laqueesha). Oh, and all of you have been so kind and helpful that I realize "you like me, you really like me!" (For those youngsters in the audience, that was a Sally Field shoutout).
Well, I have to go back to my latest venture - online college courses that your tax dollars pay for me to take!! I am studying Philosophy. It makes my brain tired to try to keep up with all the arguments people spend time making up in Philosophy. And the questions on the weekly assignments are really not meant to be answered...What's the meaning of life?...Who is God?...What is most real or ultimately real? What the heck!!! I should have taken HR 101!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Merle Haggard ain't my cup of tea...
I will apologize in advance to my father for this post. But one more day at home with David playing Merle Haggard on his computer might cause me to go off the deep end. For those of you who don't know who Merle is, (I unfortunately grew up with him playing and then my dad decided to give my husband the gift that keeps on giving - every Merle song on a CD collection!) Google him and listen to part of a song. That is all it will take. Seriously. The man has smoked himself almost to death so he has a very gravel-like voice and quite the twang!!
I'm not a big country music fan to start with, then you add a little Merle and even some George Strait and you get a "Deliverance" type feel.
Wow - I will try to concentrate on the blog. Hard to keep my toes from tapping to the background music.
I'm now learning even more about the patience of the job search and final information. I was offered a job Friday evening and I am still awaiting a written offer. Patience my be a virtue, but I have never been good at being patient. I want to just call the employer and tell them I'll draft my own offer letter to get it done. But I'm thinking that might not be the first impression I want to create. They will find out soon enough how I am.
This role is located quite a way from Fishers so I will have to live during the week at another location. I'm realizing that I will have to create a second household for this venture. Argh! Do you think that if i left David, (which is a possibility with the whole Merle thing) and got engaged to someone else, I could get people to come to a bridal shower so I could get all the household stuff I need again? Probably more work than it's worth.
Hopefully, tomorrow I will receive the written offer. If not, I will have no choice but to continue the job search and I really don't want to do that.
Oh - we just switched from Merle to the song, "Swanging". Help me....
I'm not a big country music fan to start with, then you add a little Merle and even some George Strait and you get a "Deliverance" type feel.
Wow - I will try to concentrate on the blog. Hard to keep my toes from tapping to the background music.
I'm now learning even more about the patience of the job search and final information. I was offered a job Friday evening and I am still awaiting a written offer. Patience my be a virtue, but I have never been good at being patient. I want to just call the employer and tell them I'll draft my own offer letter to get it done. But I'm thinking that might not be the first impression I want to create. They will find out soon enough how I am.
This role is located quite a way from Fishers so I will have to live during the week at another location. I'm realizing that I will have to create a second household for this venture. Argh! Do you think that if i left David, (which is a possibility with the whole Merle thing) and got engaged to someone else, I could get people to come to a bridal shower so I could get all the household stuff I need again? Probably more work than it's worth.
Hopefully, tomorrow I will receive the written offer. If not, I will have no choice but to continue the job search and I really don't want to do that.
Oh - we just switched from Merle to the song, "Swanging". Help me....
Monday, May 14, 2012
Life Moves Fast
Well, my blogs have slowed down but so have I. A serious moment - life goes by fast. I hope my unemployment experience is a lasting booster shot to remember to focus on what is important in life.
2012 will be a year that I will never forget - Dave's heart surgery, leaving Roche, starting with a new company, (I received a verbal offer Friday night!!!) and helping Chelsea through kidney issues again, (we learned Friday that she is in end-stage renal failure so we will be getting tested and visiting a transplant center this month). Whew - all that and a mammogram. I deserve a plaque or medal or something!!!!
Noah had prom Saturday night. He is a piece of work. He looked so handsome in his tuxedo. And he has not a shy bone in his body so he was the first to hit the dance floor and showed his skills showing people "how to dougie" - whatever that is! Hopefully it's not something obscene!!
Mother's Day was another experience altogether. I had a nice lunch with my mom and siblings, (got her a Peyton Manning Denver shirt, along with my brother, so I'm in pretty good standing there!) then all hell broke loose. My children are 17 and 21 years old. They might as well be 2 and 3 years old. They fought most of the day. Makes me proud of my mothering skills - NOT!
Back to job learnings - the new job, (I'm afraid to give too many details or I'll jinx it) will be working with a large population of only male employees. Now, I truly love most of the people I worked with on a daily basis at Roche. But Roche HR is 99.9% female and that ain't so fun. Women can be mean, mean people. They say that women's "cycles", (yeah - I'm going there) align when they live or work together. Our team had like 15 women in a close work area who were either all experiencing a visit from "Aunt Flo" at the same time or were going through pre or actual menopause and wanted to shed clothing because of hot flashes. No joke, for the men in the audience and younger females, a hot flash is like someone starting a fire in all your bones and you are cooking from the inside out - you pore sweat. It is so not pretty. In one meeting, my own boss said, "How gross!" at my profuse sweating. Really boasts a female's confidence.
SOOOOO...I'm looking forward to all men in the workplace. They asked if I would be intimidated - I giggled and said I thought I could handle it. My husband has begun praying for those poor men. I'm not sure how to take that.
Well - I will keep the learning coming, even as I re-enter the workforce. I can't wait for the drug screen - that is one test I know I can pass!!!!
2012 will be a year that I will never forget - Dave's heart surgery, leaving Roche, starting with a new company, (I received a verbal offer Friday night!!!) and helping Chelsea through kidney issues again, (we learned Friday that she is in end-stage renal failure so we will be getting tested and visiting a transplant center this month). Whew - all that and a mammogram. I deserve a plaque or medal or something!!!!
Noah had prom Saturday night. He is a piece of work. He looked so handsome in his tuxedo. And he has not a shy bone in his body so he was the first to hit the dance floor and showed his skills showing people "how to dougie" - whatever that is! Hopefully it's not something obscene!!
Mother's Day was another experience altogether. I had a nice lunch with my mom and siblings, (got her a Peyton Manning Denver shirt, along with my brother, so I'm in pretty good standing there!) then all hell broke loose. My children are 17 and 21 years old. They might as well be 2 and 3 years old. They fought most of the day. Makes me proud of my mothering skills - NOT!
Back to job learnings - the new job, (I'm afraid to give too many details or I'll jinx it) will be working with a large population of only male employees. Now, I truly love most of the people I worked with on a daily basis at Roche. But Roche HR is 99.9% female and that ain't so fun. Women can be mean, mean people. They say that women's "cycles", (yeah - I'm going there) align when they live or work together. Our team had like 15 women in a close work area who were either all experiencing a visit from "Aunt Flo" at the same time or were going through pre or actual menopause and wanted to shed clothing because of hot flashes. No joke, for the men in the audience and younger females, a hot flash is like someone starting a fire in all your bones and you are cooking from the inside out - you pore sweat. It is so not pretty. In one meeting, my own boss said, "How gross!" at my profuse sweating. Really boasts a female's confidence.
SOOOOO...I'm looking forward to all men in the workplace. They asked if I would be intimidated - I giggled and said I thought I could handle it. My husband has begun praying for those poor men. I'm not sure how to take that.
Well - I will keep the learning coming, even as I re-enter the workforce. I can't wait for the drug screen - that is one test I know I can pass!!!!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Can't we all work together?
I have begun to think of ways that all people who want to work should be able to work.
If I am ever elected president, (a phrase my husband loves to use!) my first act of power will be to implement these ideas:
If I am ever elected president, (a phrase my husband loves to use!) my first act of power will be to implement these ideas:
- All states will become no-fault employment states and implement 120-day probationary periods for all new hires, all levels. No more fancy pants recruiting systems. No more of the 4, 5 and 6 rounds of interviewing. Good old fashioned resume review, maybe a phone screen and the hiring Leader gets to interview and make the decision. First twenty five applicants then the job posting is deactived. No more consensus of candidate. A leader needs to have a backbone and take credit for good and bad hiring decisions.
- With all the money that no longer has to go to applicant tracking systems, companies can reward employees who are performing well.
- No video conference interviews - having a leader or candidates face frozen in an awkward position on video doesn't help anyone.
- If companies have executive approach to fill jobs, they have 30 days to do so or they lose the headcount. If they have other priorities during that time they can either designate a hiring decision proxy or quit their job as they seem fairly stupid to me if hiring talented people isn't a top priority.
- No one can make over 5 million per year. It's just wrong. Even if you win the lottery. Even if you are a celebrity.
- No carpet or wallpaper allowed in offices that is over 5 years old - it just gets to smelling and looking funky - yuck!
- No pizza for work lunches - just makes the workers unhealthy and screams, "we got the cheapest meal we could today as we try to extract work from you!!!!"
- Unemployment insurance goes away. No one should be unemployed for more than 30 days with my new system. Which means the mean ladies at the unemployment office have to look for work themselves - Karma baby!
- PowerPoints will be banned. People will simply have to draw their ideas or talk with other people. Cartoons or short documentaries are allowed.
- No meetings for more than 1 hour. And don't even try to cheat the system - I'm president for heaven's sake, no sneaking past me - you can't do back-to-back 1 hour meetings on the same topic.
- Medical, childcare and dental coverage will be provided by the U.S. government with all the money they will save with no unemployment and no welfare for non-working people. Insurance companies, (one of which turned me down 6 months ago for a job) will no longer be needed - more money that can go elsewhere.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
411
Okay, I think I have a few more job ideas as well as some helpful information for all of you.
First to the job ideas -- computer rental for recently unemployed professionals who were using their company computer as their own personal computer, (although, everyone should experience someone like Laqueesha) cell phone patrol agent - I would love to taser every person who attempts to drive with their cell phone to their ear or walks through the grocery store talking on the phone, personal space consultant - we seem to have consultants for everything from organizing to what to wear, (I knew I shouldn't have worn those pajama-looking pants to work that one day) so why not have someone to coach "close talkers" regarding personal distance, personal hygiene coach - need I explain more?, professional food taster and critic - if Rachel Ray could do it on $40 per day - I can do it on $35, mattress tester - my sleeping skills have gotten super good, Walt Disney World Secret Shopper, and Laqueesha's nail polish caddy - that girl has to have a huge supply of nail polish!
Now for the 411 - This is a serious one for those of you working at Roche. Roche's Anthem insurance allows you to get medical massages, (I know - I just talked about personal space and now I'm endorsing massages but you gotta love massages! Unless your name begins with N and you are a lousy driver) for $15 for a one hour massage. And, for those adventurous enough to utilize a chiropractor, you can get a realignment and massage combo for just $15!!! I have taken to needing medical massages weekly! If anyone wants to take advantage - I use Synergy/Abby Eaton and the phone number is 594-0004.
One last thought - I'd love your input - I'm thinking of adding a Glamour Shots to my interview portfolio - what do you think? With a pink boa and a bunch of make-up!!!!
First to the job ideas -- computer rental for recently unemployed professionals who were using their company computer as their own personal computer, (although, everyone should experience someone like Laqueesha) cell phone patrol agent - I would love to taser every person who attempts to drive with their cell phone to their ear or walks through the grocery store talking on the phone, personal space consultant - we seem to have consultants for everything from organizing to what to wear, (I knew I shouldn't have worn those pajama-looking pants to work that one day) so why not have someone to coach "close talkers" regarding personal distance, personal hygiene coach - need I explain more?, professional food taster and critic - if Rachel Ray could do it on $40 per day - I can do it on $35, mattress tester - my sleeping skills have gotten super good, Walt Disney World Secret Shopper, and Laqueesha's nail polish caddy - that girl has to have a huge supply of nail polish!
Now for the 411 - This is a serious one for those of you working at Roche. Roche's Anthem insurance allows you to get medical massages, (I know - I just talked about personal space and now I'm endorsing massages but you gotta love massages! Unless your name begins with N and you are a lousy driver) for $15 for a one hour massage. And, for those adventurous enough to utilize a chiropractor, you can get a realignment and massage combo for just $15!!! I have taken to needing medical massages weekly! If anyone wants to take advantage - I use Synergy/Abby Eaton and the phone number is 594-0004.
One last thought - I'd love your input - I'm thinking of adding a Glamour Shots to my interview portfolio - what do you think? With a pink boa and a bunch of make-up!!!!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Portfolio and Other Fun Stuff
Man do I have a lot to share with you today!!!!
I had a full day, (8 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.) of interviewing with a company today. Wow - 10.5 hours of work, not to mention interviewing, is really exhausting. As I re-enter the workforce, I believe I'll ask my future employer if I can ease back into work - maybe 4-5 hours per day!!
The interviews were fascinating. People are so interesting. The 10 people I interviewed with today were all very different from each other. Several Scientists - scary smart folks, some HR people - genuine people who are in it for the business and passion for the role versus superficial reasons, (yeah - you all know who I'm poking at with that comment) and several Sales Leaders. I don't know what it is about Sales people but I just get the biggest kick out of talking with them. It's like they have the gift for gab and they mesmerize me with their "fancy talk". Most times I don't really know what point they are making but it sounds so darn good that I find myself shaking my head in agreement!
This was the first interview in my life in which I used a portfolio to show my interviews samples of my work. Very effective way to go about selling your abilities! Other than the downside of having to lug around a heavy binder of my wares, it was much easier to talk from this binder than to come up with new examples each interview. Thanks to Kim for your help in "Marketing" my abilities. I sometimes think you believe in my abilities more than I do!!
It also sounds really impressive to tell interviews that you have brought your portfolio - so artistic and professional sounding, don't you think? I had lunch with a friend last week and mentioned that I was building my portfolio - she seemed puzzled that I hadn't already created one. She always was the smart one on the HR team!!!!
There were two negative things about today, however. First, I had to wear fancy shoes - I have been wearing flip flops for nearly two months. I really don't see why flip flops are not acceptable business attire. You know we all want to wear them to work. And even the highest level executives wear them on the weekends. So why not cut through the bull and wear what we all want to wear!?!?!? I'm going to be limping for the next week or so. The second negative was in the category of food. I love food. Those of you who know me well know that I prefer unhealthy food and I have an awful sweet tooth. I will eat just about anything - EXCEPT SUSHI. And where did they take me for lunch...a sushi restaurant. I swear whatever I tried to eat was still moving a bit as I tried to swallow it. The other issue with food was at breakfast. The woman who would be my boss took me to breakfast. She was a skinny little thing - all healthy and such. She took me to a pancake restaurant. And she ordered a small bowl of oatmeal and a banana. I really did think long and hard about ordering the same thing and giving the appearance of a healthy mindset but...I couldn't do it. I mean, what is the point of going to a good pancake house and getting oatmeal?? I can fix oatmeal at home. I chose to go with the impressive choice of eggs Benedict with potato cakes - OMG! Good eats! I think I made her throw up a bit in her mouth when I smothered my potato cakes with ketchup. At least she knows, should I join her team and there is ever a company eating contest, I can represent her team well!!!
Thanks to all of you who helped me prepare for these interviews. Other than my gluttony, I hit it out of the park in the interviews. By hour 10, my brain was a bit mushy but I was interviewing with a Sr. VP of Sales and he had a great sense of humor so he just made fun of my dead brain. It was a nice end to the day.
I had a full day, (8 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.) of interviewing with a company today. Wow - 10.5 hours of work, not to mention interviewing, is really exhausting. As I re-enter the workforce, I believe I'll ask my future employer if I can ease back into work - maybe 4-5 hours per day!!
The interviews were fascinating. People are so interesting. The 10 people I interviewed with today were all very different from each other. Several Scientists - scary smart folks, some HR people - genuine people who are in it for the business and passion for the role versus superficial reasons, (yeah - you all know who I'm poking at with that comment) and several Sales Leaders. I don't know what it is about Sales people but I just get the biggest kick out of talking with them. It's like they have the gift for gab and they mesmerize me with their "fancy talk". Most times I don't really know what point they are making but it sounds so darn good that I find myself shaking my head in agreement!
This was the first interview in my life in which I used a portfolio to show my interviews samples of my work. Very effective way to go about selling your abilities! Other than the downside of having to lug around a heavy binder of my wares, it was much easier to talk from this binder than to come up with new examples each interview. Thanks to Kim for your help in "Marketing" my abilities. I sometimes think you believe in my abilities more than I do!!
It also sounds really impressive to tell interviews that you have brought your portfolio - so artistic and professional sounding, don't you think? I had lunch with a friend last week and mentioned that I was building my portfolio - she seemed puzzled that I hadn't already created one. She always was the smart one on the HR team!!!!
There were two negative things about today, however. First, I had to wear fancy shoes - I have been wearing flip flops for nearly two months. I really don't see why flip flops are not acceptable business attire. You know we all want to wear them to work. And even the highest level executives wear them on the weekends. So why not cut through the bull and wear what we all want to wear!?!?!? I'm going to be limping for the next week or so. The second negative was in the category of food. I love food. Those of you who know me well know that I prefer unhealthy food and I have an awful sweet tooth. I will eat just about anything - EXCEPT SUSHI. And where did they take me for lunch...a sushi restaurant. I swear whatever I tried to eat was still moving a bit as I tried to swallow it. The other issue with food was at breakfast. The woman who would be my boss took me to breakfast. She was a skinny little thing - all healthy and such. She took me to a pancake restaurant. And she ordered a small bowl of oatmeal and a banana. I really did think long and hard about ordering the same thing and giving the appearance of a healthy mindset but...I couldn't do it. I mean, what is the point of going to a good pancake house and getting oatmeal?? I can fix oatmeal at home. I chose to go with the impressive choice of eggs Benedict with potato cakes - OMG! Good eats! I think I made her throw up a bit in her mouth when I smothered my potato cakes with ketchup. At least she knows, should I join her team and there is ever a company eating contest, I can represent her team well!!!
Thanks to all of you who helped me prepare for these interviews. Other than my gluttony, I hit it out of the park in the interviews. By hour 10, my brain was a bit mushy but I was interviewing with a Sr. VP of Sales and he had a great sense of humor so he just made fun of my dead brain. It was a nice end to the day.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Work Gets in the Way
So sorry I have not blogged for a few days. Those pesky employers have been calling me and wanting me to take time away from my busy blogging and sleeping schedule to talk with them. The nerve of those people!! Don't they realize I'm trying to take care of personal stuff right now!? Oh well.
I am really enjoying the new PC - and a shout out to my sister regarding her comment to me that I should come out of the dark ages and get a Mac...there is one Mac I will invest my money in - A BIG MAC. It really comes down to a matter of preference. Neither is better than the other when you consider cost, capability, size, etc. It's like saying republicans are better than democrats - there is no emperical evidence to support either argument. The "evidence" used by Mac users is that Macs are easier to use - as judged by the Mac user crowd. Enough about that - I prefer PC's. I'm sure Macs are wonderful but I prefer my PC. It's a little tiny thing with enough memory for my needs and only 3 pounds to carry when I again travel abroad.
I have final interviews next week at a company I really like. I'm hopeful all goes well and a good offer will be on its way to me mid next week.
I have realized that I do miss some things about work - birthday or promotion parties where cake is served, company provided lunches, having co-workers make fun of my daily tea container as a urine sample gone really wrong, and stealing sweets from other team's lunch or afternoon snack tables outside of the Staffing area, (Lisa - keep the tradition alive, please). I also miss the laughter. Not at me, with me! :) I do not miss panty hose, dress shoes, getting up early, wearing make-up daily, all day meetings and Bob - those at Roche know what I'm talking about - a wooden dummy as a reminder of our customers - what does that say about Roche customers?
I am really enjoying the new PC - and a shout out to my sister regarding her comment to me that I should come out of the dark ages and get a Mac...there is one Mac I will invest my money in - A BIG MAC. It really comes down to a matter of preference. Neither is better than the other when you consider cost, capability, size, etc. It's like saying republicans are better than democrats - there is no emperical evidence to support either argument. The "evidence" used by Mac users is that Macs are easier to use - as judged by the Mac user crowd. Enough about that - I prefer PC's. I'm sure Macs are wonderful but I prefer my PC. It's a little tiny thing with enough memory for my needs and only 3 pounds to carry when I again travel abroad.
I have final interviews next week at a company I really like. I'm hopeful all goes well and a good offer will be on its way to me mid next week.
I have realized that I do miss some things about work - birthday or promotion parties where cake is served, company provided lunches, having co-workers make fun of my daily tea container as a urine sample gone really wrong, and stealing sweets from other team's lunch or afternoon snack tables outside of the Staffing area, (Lisa - keep the tradition alive, please). I also miss the laughter. Not at me, with me! :) I do not miss panty hose, dress shoes, getting up early, wearing make-up daily, all day meetings and Bob - those at Roche know what I'm talking about - a wooden dummy as a reminder of our customers - what does that say about Roche customers?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Alone Time
I have two pieces of good news today...
First, Laqueesha from the library got herself a job Saturday! All of the folks in the Fishers Library underground club were thrilled, (more so because she will no longer be coming to the library than because she inspired the rest of us that there is hope).
Second, my husband began to feel sorry for me having to sit at the library so he made me invest in a new laptop computer. So NO MORE LIBRARY COMPUTER ROOM!!!!
Now let's discuss another aspect of unemployment that is interesting to me. I would have described myself as someone who likes to work around other people. However, if I do not get some alone time soon, I will go insane.
As many of you know, my husband is a stay at home dad. He is used to his routines at home. So we find ourselves literally tripping over each other. I am not, and will never be, a morning person. I like to eat breakfast, check the news and drink my iced tea first thing in the morning. Preferably without any human contact. Dave is a chatter box and will talk to anyone at anytime. ARGH! He also has a weird morning ritual. He goes around the house straightening everything - TV remotes, pads of paper, anything else. If I sit down and turn on the TV and do not return the remote to it's designated space on the end table, I receive quite a glare! The first thing I plan to do upon getting a new job is to find an office with a door, go into that office, and shut the door and just sit by myself for a bit.
First, Laqueesha from the library got herself a job Saturday! All of the folks in the Fishers Library underground club were thrilled, (more so because she will no longer be coming to the library than because she inspired the rest of us that there is hope).
Second, my husband began to feel sorry for me having to sit at the library so he made me invest in a new laptop computer. So NO MORE LIBRARY COMPUTER ROOM!!!!
Now let's discuss another aspect of unemployment that is interesting to me. I would have described myself as someone who likes to work around other people. However, if I do not get some alone time soon, I will go insane.
As many of you know, my husband is a stay at home dad. He is used to his routines at home. So we find ourselves literally tripping over each other. I am not, and will never be, a morning person. I like to eat breakfast, check the news and drink my iced tea first thing in the morning. Preferably without any human contact. Dave is a chatter box and will talk to anyone at anytime. ARGH! He also has a weird morning ritual. He goes around the house straightening everything - TV remotes, pads of paper, anything else. If I sit down and turn on the TV and do not return the remote to it's designated space on the end table, I receive quite a glare! The first thing I plan to do upon getting a new job is to find an office with a door, go into that office, and shut the door and just sit by myself for a bit.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Seriously!
Have you heard the song, "Had a Bad Day"? I think they play it on American Idol when the folks are voted off. It should be playing as my theme song today!!
First - I called back with a counter offer on the job I was offered. I was all ready for a fierce negotiations process. The VP of HR said, "My offer is my best and final offer - take it or leave it". I simply asked, "Seriously?". He confirmed. So I finished my negotiations with my dog Lilly because she was receptive and I didn't want all that preparation to go to waste. If her tail wagging is any indication, I think I negotiated a $1 million base salary with a 75% bonus!!!
Then, I had a phone interview with a large Indiana company. The person who was doing the phone screen, (I will call him Skippy as he seemed very Country Club, Preppy and Teenaged to me) called 10 minutes late. He was supposed to talk with me last Friday but he put our meeting on the wrong date in his calendar - duh!!! He interviewed me for an entire 14 minutes. He seemed so very interested - NOT! He asked about my strategic thinking ability and I told him I was thinking strategically as we spoke - he didn't get my humor. I asked him to define strategy as he sees it. He couldn't. Seriously - these people get to make the hiring decisions!!!?!??!
Now I'm awaiting another phone screen at 3:00. This is with the COO of a company. I made the wonderful blunder yesterday of responding to his e-mail seeking time to speak with me by addressing him as Christy versus Chris. Nice first impression. His grandfather started the company and I called him a girl!!!! OMG!
I think I'm going to see if Laqueesha can give me a make-over so I can really wow people when I do my next on-site interview.
First - I called back with a counter offer on the job I was offered. I was all ready for a fierce negotiations process. The VP of HR said, "My offer is my best and final offer - take it or leave it". I simply asked, "Seriously?". He confirmed. So I finished my negotiations with my dog Lilly because she was receptive and I didn't want all that preparation to go to waste. If her tail wagging is any indication, I think I negotiated a $1 million base salary with a 75% bonus!!!
Then, I had a phone interview with a large Indiana company. The person who was doing the phone screen, (I will call him Skippy as he seemed very Country Club, Preppy and Teenaged to me) called 10 minutes late. He was supposed to talk with me last Friday but he put our meeting on the wrong date in his calendar - duh!!! He interviewed me for an entire 14 minutes. He seemed so very interested - NOT! He asked about my strategic thinking ability and I told him I was thinking strategically as we spoke - he didn't get my humor. I asked him to define strategy as he sees it. He couldn't. Seriously - these people get to make the hiring decisions!!!?!??!
Now I'm awaiting another phone screen at 3:00. This is with the COO of a company. I made the wonderful blunder yesterday of responding to his e-mail seeking time to speak with me by addressing him as Christy versus Chris. Nice first impression. His grandfather started the company and I called him a girl!!!! OMG!
I think I'm going to see if Laqueesha can give me a make-over so I can really wow people when I do my next on-site interview.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Negotiations
So, I'm happy to report I have received my first job offer!! Now the fun begins. I have been working with a job coach who is adamant that I must be a tough negotiator. Now, I have no trouble being direct and even confrontational, but the idea of negotiating my future job is beyond uncomfortable for me. What if I offend them? What if I don't ask for enough? What if I ask for too much? This is crazy. Can't all companies just agree to the "Saturn" type of offer - giving their absolute best offer up front? I guess it didn't work out so well for Saturn automobiles so it must not be such a great system.
I'll get to try my negotiations skills tomorrow when I reconnect with the hiring official. If nothing else works, I will plan to cry on the phone and pull the sympathy card.
I'll get to try my negotiations skills tomorrow when I reconnect with the hiring official. If nothing else works, I will plan to cry on the phone and pull the sympathy card.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I must start today's blog with an apology to my mother - she was not happy that I shared the Avon lady hiding story. She asked that I clarify to all that she didn't have a lot of money and didn't want to hurt the Avon lady's feelings so hiding was the best solution. Hopefully, that gets me back in her good graces.
Today, I'd like to share my interview experiences so far in this job search. I will be candid, (like you didn't know that from from mammogram ideas yesterday!) I did not have to wear suits to work very much at Roche. So most of my suits were a few years old. My eating habits have increased in the last few years while my metabolism has decreased. SOOOOOOOO my suits did not fit. I had to go and buy two new suits for interviews. Ouch - first, it is hard to find suits that fit a 5 foot tall teapot shaped woman! I had to have the pants hemmed with about 7 inches removed because of my height! And, I don't really like spending money so the cost of these suits that fit right was not a fun experience for my wallet.
My first rounds of interviews has usually been via phone. I assume that, as long as I don't sound like a complete moron or offend the interviewer, I will likely get to a first round on-site interview. I have gotten to drive to corporate headquarters in Northern Indiana, Ohio and Southern Indiana. And, as many of you know, I am directionally impaired so I have gotten to know many gas station workers in all these parts of Indiana and Ohio very well as I stop and ask for help getting to the desired address. I know, I know, I should use a GPS. But those things worry me. What if I get a defective one and it leads me into a lake or banjo country or something? I'd rather rely on gas station workers. Everyone knows they are specially selected or trained for their directional knowledge!
The on-site interviews usually begin with some 12 year old Recruiter, (well they looked 12 to me!) interviewing me. I have to bite my tongue not to let them know that I have more experience in the first quarter of my resume than they have in their educational and work career combined. I want to ask if they even know who the Bangles are or Devo. If they answer, "no" I want to say, "Then I don't feel you are qualified to assess my experience and abilities. I'm old enough to be your mother!" They always start with the same stupid statement, "Tell me about yourself". I want to say, I love chips and dip, Bon Jovi and ice cream. But I don't. I have gotten better and better at answering the question. Each time it changes a little. Hey - I can be a superhero if I want to be. They don't know me.
And I love the 2nd round and then the 3rd round interviews - same questions, different people. One woman was interviewing me via video conference. When I tried to ask a question, she said, "Um, please hold your questions until the end." What a sweetheart. And I really love the HR interviewers who either ask illegal questions, (what does your husband think about you being the primary bread winner) or who tell me how hectic things can get at their company. They obviously never worked at Roche. One man said, "Sometimes we are here until 5:30 or 6:00 in the evening." I tried to give him my shocked face. I wanted to tell him that I have been at work until 5:30 the next morning!!!!!!
And some companies are heavily into assessments. At one company I took three 45 minute assessments and then the Wonderlic version A and B when I got to the on-site interviews. After third round interviews and assessments with this company, they said they wanted me to spend 2 hours with their industrial psychologist. My husband wanted to call them and let them know that 2 hours was not near enough time for them to figure out what was going on in my head. And he informed me that the company representatives likely realized I was a bit on the crazy side during the interview process and wanted to confirm it through a trained professional.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Big Ideas
So, as I get larger and larger sitting at home and eating, I have come up with some really big ideas on how to spend my time while unemployed. Some of these wonderful ideas are even money makers. For instance:
- I used to HATE the old people who would get in front of me at the grocery store or at Wal-Mart. They moved like snails and, when they beat me to the check-out, they would usually have a coin purse and pay for their $30 purchase with coins!!!! It was maddening! But, now that I can, I plan to go to every store I can during work lunch hours when the working folks try to run errands on their lunch break and move at a snail's pace as well as take my penny jar to buy all my purchases. I might even use one of those store scooters and weave back and forth in each aisle so people can't pass me without getting hit!
- Biggest Loser - I mentioned this to my parents the other day and they were not really fans but maybe they just need to let it sink in. Given my new obsession with sweets, I believe I could get to 350-400 pounds really quickly. Then, I can audition for the television show, The Biggest Loser. I get a free trip to California and I can make like half a million dollars if I win. Sounds like a money maker to me!!!
- Work on researching an alternative method for mammograms. For those of you male readers, so in advance for the graphic description, (and sorry, Dad). As someone who is not terribly well endowed, the mammogram I had this past Monday was horrid. Not only is it painful, it is as awkward as heck! A technician has to play around with your chest, (no guys - nothing sexy about it - trust me) and then squeeze it between to glass plates until it is flat. I heard on CNN the other day that one of the cell phone companies has come up with an application for smart phones that allows people to have x-ray vision and see through people's clothes and maybe to their bones. I need to create a "Booby Vision" app so there is no more need for mammograms! I think this one could be a big money maker.
- I have also watched a lot of QVC, (hey - TV doesn't judge me so it is my friend). Some of the stuff that sells on QVC is laughable. I could so come up with something better than the clothing the Kardashians sell or the homemade jewelry that seems to sell very well. I would create a clothing line called "4 Real People." It would be for short, stumpy and hefty folks. Maybe tall people too but not if they are model skinny. And I could make homemade jewelry shaped like my favorite foods. Don't tell me you wouldn't buy donut hole earrings!
- I might also do a non-money maker that would make me feel better. For the 6 weeks I have been home, there has been a surge of religious people coming to our door to try to get me to come to their church. Unless I pretend I'm not home, (a trick I learned from my mom who used to make my brother, sister and me hide when the Avon lady came to the door) they are relentless. They want to testify for their religion which I fully respect but not if I say I already have a relationship with my God. So, from now on, I plan to let them come in and give their message. When they leave, I will follow them throughout the neighborhood talking with them about the reality crime shows I have recently seen. If they feel I need to be knowledgeable about their information, I feel they should know about all the sickos in the world. It seems a fair exchange.
So - don't worry about me. I have a lot of work to do as you can see from my big ideas above!!!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Applicant Tracking Systems and Phone Screens
I'm back after a weekend of resume uploading!! I have now applied to over 100 jobs. Again, my intent in writing these blogs is to help create awareness for others.
Today we will address the applicant tracking systems I have encountered as well as the phone screens I have had.
Applicant tracking systems, for those unfamiliar, are HUGE black holes on companies career sites. When you want to apply for a job online, (which is the only way companies will allow you to do so) you must not only upload your resume but also re-enter all of the information from your resume into the system. It's like filling out a paper application online, (and, of course, if you make it to onsite interviews, you also get to do an actual paper application so the company has the same information 3 times!).
The applicant tracking systems have the following fun features:
Today we will address the applicant tracking systems I have encountered as well as the phone screens I have had.
Applicant tracking systems, for those unfamiliar, are HUGE black holes on companies career sites. When you want to apply for a job online, (which is the only way companies will allow you to do so) you must not only upload your resume but also re-enter all of the information from your resume into the system. It's like filling out a paper application online, (and, of course, if you make it to onsite interviews, you also get to do an actual paper application so the company has the same information 3 times!).
The applicant tracking systems have the following fun features:
- Some have maximum time limits for you to input information. If you don't meet the time limit - the system kicks you out and you get to start all over again!! So fun when I'm with the morning Fishers Library crowd!
- It takes approximately 1-2 hours to input information from your resume into the systems. I'm seriously considering changing my resume to only read - "PLEASE SEE INFORMATION IN YOUR STUPID APPLICANT TRACKING SYSTEM!"
- I get to repeatedly let companies know that I am a white woman over 40 with no military experience and no disability, (David feels I should claim a disability because he feels I am mentally insane).
- The system then scans your application for key words that the Recruiter has put into the system. Interestingly enough, because I have the time, I have applied for jobs that I should easily qualify to do. Often I get the dreaded form e-mail back saying the company has decided to go with candidates who better match the experience required for the job. SERIOUSLY - I don't qualify to be an HR Manager or HR Director?
Now to phone screens. Nothing better than trying to convey your passion and intelligence over the phone. Some Recruiters are really good at phone screens. Most are not. I can sometimes hear them typing in the background so I know they are multi-tasking. Several have had no questions prepared so they go with the "Tell me about yourself" question. Over the phone I can tell them that I am a 6 foot tall blond model who played college basketball and enjoy exercise and hiking, (none of these are true for those that haven't seen me. I'm five foot tall - with shoes on - a brunette and never played college anything nor do I exercise or hike). I guess it's fun some days to mess with the Recruiters and answer questions in a really odd manner but most days I just want a job. Bring me in for face-to-face interviews!!! And some companies have brought me in for what I thought was going to be face-to-face interviews but it turned out to be video conference interviews! Nothing like the herky jerky video conference that stops in mid-sentence. One video conference began without the woman on the other end knowing and she was actually picking her nose on camera. Really!!!!! At least I didn't have to shake her hand!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Unemployment, Personal Hygiene, Time Fillers
Today's unemployment lesson - brought to you from the Fishers Public Library, (those of you who are LaQueesha fans - she changed her nail color to blue and black stripes. Likely will increase her employment chances two-fold).
As I enter my 6th week of unemployment, I realize that my personal hygiene is not to my normal obsessive standards. Showers come late in the day, unless I have a coffee or lunch meeting!!! Sleep is plentiful. In fact, I may have to negotiate an afternoon nap into any employment offers I receive as I really enjoy that extra sleep.
I have also become quite concerned as my TV habits have changed. There seems to be an endless supply of crime reality shows on TV. I have assessed nearly every one and realize that we have many more kid killers than I ever would have guessed, there are several Notorious people I have never heard of and crimes of passion are seemingly endless. On the upside, I have begun to take notes on innovative, (yes I used the word innovative all you Roche fans - it is, after all one of your cultural beliefs) ways to off my husband if he doesn't begin to be nicer to me. Did you know you can completely dissolve a human body in acid in a matter of minutes. Good stuff.
I also have determined that the TV sitcom, Friends, was a good show. I watched a marathon the other night and it's still funny. Chandler and Monica were getting married but Chandler had cold feet and Rachel is pregnant with Ross' baby. And that Joey - "How you doin?".
Ellen Degeneres is also at the top of my list. She doesn't conduct boring interviews with her guests or make them cry like Oprah. She makes them do hilarious things. She may be my new idol. As I go back into the employment world, (hopefully sooner rather than later. As you can see, my IQ is dwindling daily!) I think I might use her methodology as a leader. I'll have my direct reports and maybe even the business leaders I support do funny, awkward stunts or role playing. It will make my day go quicker and keep the laughter going.
On a serious note, I have found that I am reconnecting with friends and family that I had not seen in many years. I had dinner with 2 ladies I went to high school with that I had not seen in over 20 years. How crazy is that. And we picked right back up where we left off - as immature as we were back then. It was lots of fun!
Take care and heed these lessons - you just never know when they might come in handy.
As I enter my 6th week of unemployment, I realize that my personal hygiene is not to my normal obsessive standards. Showers come late in the day, unless I have a coffee or lunch meeting!!! Sleep is plentiful. In fact, I may have to negotiate an afternoon nap into any employment offers I receive as I really enjoy that extra sleep.
I have also become quite concerned as my TV habits have changed. There seems to be an endless supply of crime reality shows on TV. I have assessed nearly every one and realize that we have many more kid killers than I ever would have guessed, there are several Notorious people I have never heard of and crimes of passion are seemingly endless. On the upside, I have begun to take notes on innovative, (yes I used the word innovative all you Roche fans - it is, after all one of your cultural beliefs) ways to off my husband if he doesn't begin to be nicer to me. Did you know you can completely dissolve a human body in acid in a matter of minutes. Good stuff.
I also have determined that the TV sitcom, Friends, was a good show. I watched a marathon the other night and it's still funny. Chandler and Monica were getting married but Chandler had cold feet and Rachel is pregnant with Ross' baby. And that Joey - "How you doin?".
Ellen Degeneres is also at the top of my list. She doesn't conduct boring interviews with her guests or make them cry like Oprah. She makes them do hilarious things. She may be my new idol. As I go back into the employment world, (hopefully sooner rather than later. As you can see, my IQ is dwindling daily!) I think I might use her methodology as a leader. I'll have my direct reports and maybe even the business leaders I support do funny, awkward stunts or role playing. It will make my day go quicker and keep the laughter going.
On a serious note, I have found that I am reconnecting with friends and family that I had not seen in many years. I had dinner with 2 ladies I went to high school with that I had not seen in over 20 years. How crazy is that. And we picked right back up where we left off - as immature as we were back then. It was lots of fun!
Take care and heed these lessons - you just never know when they might come in handy.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Resume Writing & Networking
Coming to you live from the Fishers Public library - it is not yet video game time so I have about an hour to do computer work before the video crowd gets here - it's the unemployed Wheeler.
Just to clarify for some of you who felt like I needed to tell my husband to share his computer with me to take me out of the Fishers Computer Lab underworld, he has a Mac and I am strictly a PC gal so I don't want to use his computer! He is willing to share so no hard feelings to Dave.
More unemployment learning - today it is regarding resume writing and networking.
I have been in HR roles for the last 21 years, (I started when I was 18!!). So I thought I was pretty much an expert on resumes. WRONG!!!! I sent my most recent resume to a Recruiter friend at Roche, (not to put her on the spot and mention her name - let's just call her KS). She is usually a kind, gentle soul. But when you show her a crappy resume - oh my goodness! She e-mailed it back and let me know that it looked like something from the 80's. I felt the 80's were good years for me so I was a little slow to get her point. But she didn't stop there. She sent me some example resumes to utilize and basically let me know I needed to start all over again. Sometimes you have to practice tough love to help someone. I learned that the resumes of today need to hi-lite skills, have an executive summary, list achievements versus just responsibilities and stick to two pages. TWO PAGES - SERIOUSLY. I am worth at least 4 pages! But I took her advise and reworked the resume. It's not perfect but it is getting noticed so she was 100% right.
I also have learned what power networking is like. Envision speed dating but with the intent of making a match with the person you are networking with and a target company you want to work with. I'm not a social butterfly. More like a caterpillar preferring the cocoon. So this has been a real stretch for me. As one of the "Unemployed Club of Indy", (this is a club you DO NOT want to belong to) said the other day, "If I have to do one more coffee or lunch meeting to network, I'm going to scream. I've gained 10 pounds trying to get contact names from networking!!". She is so right. The people at Starbuck's know me by name - kinda sad. The good news is, if you show the puppy dog face and rummage around in your purse when the bill comes, most people will take the lunch or breakfast bill and pay for it since I'm unemployed. So at least I'm cutting down on my grocery bills.
I received a call back from one of the companies at which I have had two rounds of interviews and multiple on-line assessments. They want me to meet with their Industrial Psychologist next week. My husband says it is because they have an inkling that I'm mentally insane. I think they just have never had such an interesting and brilliant person apply and they seek to understand my brain and write clinical papers that will make them famous. I could be wrong...
Just to clarify for some of you who felt like I needed to tell my husband to share his computer with me to take me out of the Fishers Computer Lab underworld, he has a Mac and I am strictly a PC gal so I don't want to use his computer! He is willing to share so no hard feelings to Dave.
More unemployment learning - today it is regarding resume writing and networking.
I have been in HR roles for the last 21 years, (I started when I was 18!!). So I thought I was pretty much an expert on resumes. WRONG!!!! I sent my most recent resume to a Recruiter friend at Roche, (not to put her on the spot and mention her name - let's just call her KS). She is usually a kind, gentle soul. But when you show her a crappy resume - oh my goodness! She e-mailed it back and let me know that it looked like something from the 80's. I felt the 80's were good years for me so I was a little slow to get her point. But she didn't stop there. She sent me some example resumes to utilize and basically let me know I needed to start all over again. Sometimes you have to practice tough love to help someone. I learned that the resumes of today need to hi-lite skills, have an executive summary, list achievements versus just responsibilities and stick to two pages. TWO PAGES - SERIOUSLY. I am worth at least 4 pages! But I took her advise and reworked the resume. It's not perfect but it is getting noticed so she was 100% right.
I also have learned what power networking is like. Envision speed dating but with the intent of making a match with the person you are networking with and a target company you want to work with. I'm not a social butterfly. More like a caterpillar preferring the cocoon. So this has been a real stretch for me. As one of the "Unemployed Club of Indy", (this is a club you DO NOT want to belong to) said the other day, "If I have to do one more coffee or lunch meeting to network, I'm going to scream. I've gained 10 pounds trying to get contact names from networking!!". She is so right. The people at Starbuck's know me by name - kinda sad. The good news is, if you show the puppy dog face and rummage around in your purse when the bill comes, most people will take the lunch or breakfast bill and pay for it since I'm unemployed. So at least I'm cutting down on my grocery bills.
I received a call back from one of the companies at which I have had two rounds of interviews and multiple on-line assessments. They want me to meet with their Industrial Psychologist next week. My husband says it is because they have an inkling that I'm mentally insane. I think they just have never had such an interesting and brilliant person apply and they seek to understand my brain and write clinical papers that will make them famous. I could be wrong...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Filing for Unemployment
Well, I have begun learning some life lessons about being unemployed.
The first has to do with using computers at the public library. More people than you might think use the computers at the public libraries. Always go in morning if you want to "hang out" with the unemployed crowd - some in this group are likely also without housing or showers as the odor with this crowd is a but stinky. Also a heavy smoker crowd. Afternoons in the computer lab will find you in the company of primarily young boys playing computer video games. A lively group but I feel a bit like a pervert sitting amongst them. I usually just hit the spacebar on my library computer repeatedly so they all think I'm intently playing a video game myself versus someone with no job. One of my favorite characters at the library computer lab is Laquisha, (not sure of her spelling). She is a very loud middle aged woman who is seeking work as a hair dresser. I know this because the computer lab also serves as her personal phone booth. She has finger nails that are about 3 inches long each and can chew gum louder than anyone I have ever known. She has a unique approach to her job hunt. She calls potential employers and begins by saying, "Honey, you need to hire me." She tells whomever she has reached via phone that she is a wonderful hairdresser who doesn't yet have any real hair styling experience but she has been friends with hair dressers all her life. Since I have seen her at the library pretty consistently for the last 4 weeks, I'm assuming her sales pitch isn't working so well.
Another key learning; filing for unemployment is one of the most time-intensive processes I have ever been through. You have to sign in blood electronically and swear on the name of your first-born child to ensure you are telling the truth. There are over 100 questions you must answer to register for unemployment then you must submit a claim every Sunday. You have to submit proof that you have actively sought jobs including the names and addresses of all employers you have spoken with. I have chosen not to submit my claims through the library computers as I'm pretty convinced some of the computer lab crowd are trolling the lab to get personal data off of nearby computers so they can steal my identity.
It's a rough world in the Fishers Library basement - you grow up pretty fast in the unemployment gang!
Becoming Unemployed
Hello! Since I was 13 years old, I have had gainful employment. Over 30 years later, I have no job for the first time in my life. One day I was a top performer, a week later I was asked to compromise my principles or leave my company of 10+ years. I left. How hard can it be to find a job. Oh my gosh - most people have no idea of the trials and tribulations of those who are unemployed. I'm writing this blog to share my journey and maybe help someone along the way.
My last day with my company was March 9, 2012.
Day 1 - post-employment. Absolute self pity party. Woe is me - how could this have happened? Spent the day running financials to see how we make things work and for how long. No idea where to begin. I'm an HR Professional for heaven's sake - shouldn't I know exactly what to do?
Try to reach outplacement company to no avail. I don't even have my own PC at home - I have used my company computer for the last 11 years.
About five days into my unemployment I have some thoughts:
My last day with my company was March 9, 2012.
Day 1 - post-employment. Absolute self pity party. Woe is me - how could this have happened? Spent the day running financials to see how we make things work and for how long. No idea where to begin. I'm an HR Professional for heaven's sake - shouldn't I know exactly what to do?
Try to reach outplacement company to no avail. I don't even have my own PC at home - I have used my company computer for the last 11 years.
About five days into my unemployment I have some thoughts:
- Should I check into unemployment wages?
- How do I get life insurance coverage since the company's will end?
- Shouldn't I put a resume together?
- Should I just cruise job boards to find the job of my dreams?
- Shouldn't there be a checklist for people in my situation - I have yet to find a good checklist.
Which way is up? People have asked how they can help. What should I tell them?
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