Alone Time

I have two pieces of good news today...

First, Laqueesha from the library got herself a job Saturday!  All of the folks in the Fishers Library underground club were thrilled, (more so because she will no longer be coming to the library than because she inspired the rest of us that there is hope).

Second, my husband began to feel sorry for me having to sit at the library so he made me invest in a new laptop computer.  So NO MORE LIBRARY COMPUTER ROOM!!!!

Now let's discuss another aspect of unemployment that is interesting to me.  I would have described myself as someone who likes to work around other people.  However, if I do not get some alone time soon, I will go insane. 

As many of you know, my husband is a stay at home dad.  He is used to his routines at home.  So we find ourselves literally tripping over each other.  I am not, and will never be, a morning person.  I like to eat breakfast, check the news and drink my iced tea first thing in the morning.  Preferably without any human contact.  Dave is a chatter box and will talk to anyone at anytime.  ARGH!  He also has a weird morning ritual.  He goes around the house straightening everything - TV remotes, pads of paper, anything else.  If I sit down and turn on the TV and do not return the remote to it's designated space on the end table, I receive quite a glare!  The first thing I plan to do upon getting a new job is to find an office with a door, go into that office, and shut the door and just sit by myself for a bit.

Seriously!

Have you heard the song, "Had a Bad Day"?  I think they play it on American Idol when the folks are voted off.  It should be playing as my theme song today!!

First - I called back with a counter offer on the job I was offered.  I was all ready for a fierce negotiations process.  The VP of HR said, "My offer is my best and final offer - take it or leave it".  I simply asked, "Seriously?".  He confirmed.  So I finished my negotiations with my dog Lilly because she was receptive and I didn't want all that preparation to go to waste.  If her tail wagging is any indication, I think I negotiated a $1 million base salary with a 75% bonus!!!

Then, I had a phone interview with a large Indiana company.  The person who was doing the phone screen, (I will call him Skippy as he seemed very Country Club, Preppy and Teenaged to me) called 10 minutes late.  He was supposed to talk with me last Friday but he put our meeting on the wrong date in his calendar - duh!!!  He interviewed me for an entire 14 minutes.  He seemed so very interested - NOT!  He asked about my strategic thinking ability and I told him I was thinking strategically as we spoke - he didn't get my humor.  I asked him to define strategy as he sees it.  He couldn't.  Seriously - these people get to make the hiring decisions!!!?!??!

Now I'm awaiting another phone screen at 3:00.  This is with the COO of a company.  I made the wonderful blunder yesterday of responding to his e-mail seeking time to speak with me by addressing him as Christy versus Chris.  Nice first impression.  His grandfather started the company and I called him a girl!!!!  OMG!

I think I'm going to see if Laqueesha can give me a make-over so I can really wow people when I do my next on-site interview.

Negotiations

So, I'm happy to report I have received my first job offer!!  Now the fun begins.  I have been working with a job coach who is adamant that I must be a tough negotiator.  Now, I have no trouble being direct and even confrontational, but the idea of negotiating my future job is beyond uncomfortable for me.  What if I offend them?  What if I don't ask for enough?  What if I ask for too much?  This is crazy.  Can't all companies just agree to the "Saturn" type of offer - giving their absolute best offer up front?  I guess it didn't work out so well for Saturn automobiles so it must not be such a great system.

I'll get to try my negotiations skills tomorrow when I reconnect with the hiring official.  If nothing else works, I will plan to cry on the phone and pull the sympathy card.

I must start today's blog with an apology to my mother - she was not happy that I shared the Avon lady hiding story.  She asked that I clarify to all that she didn't have a lot of money and didn't want to hurt the Avon lady's feelings so hiding was the best solution.  Hopefully, that gets me back in her good graces.

Today, I'd like to share my interview experiences so far in this job search.  I will be candid, (like you didn't know that from from mammogram ideas yesterday!) I did not have to wear suits to work very much at Roche.  So most of my suits were a few years old.  My eating habits have increased in the last few years while my metabolism has decreased.  SOOOOOOOO my suits did not fit.  I had to go and buy two new suits for interviews.  Ouch - first, it is hard to find suits that fit a 5 foot tall teapot shaped woman!  I had to have the pants hemmed with about 7 inches removed because of my height!  And, I don't really like spending money so the cost of these suits that fit right was not a fun experience for my wallet.

My first rounds of interviews has usually been via phone.  I assume that, as long as I don't sound like a complete moron or offend the interviewer, I will likely get to a first round on-site interview.  I have gotten to drive to corporate headquarters in Northern Indiana, Ohio and Southern Indiana.  And, as many of you know, I am directionally impaired so I have gotten to know many gas station workers in all these parts of Indiana and Ohio very well as I stop and ask for help getting to the desired address.  I know, I know, I should use a GPS.  But those things worry me.  What if I get a defective one and it leads me into a lake or banjo country or something?  I'd rather rely on gas station workers.  Everyone knows they are specially selected or trained for their directional knowledge!

The on-site interviews usually begin with some 12 year old Recruiter, (well they looked 12 to me!) interviewing me.  I have to bite my tongue not to let them know that I have more experience in the first quarter of my resume than they have in their educational and work career combined.  I want to ask if they even know who the Bangles are or Devo.  If they answer, "no" I want to say, "Then I don't feel you are qualified to assess my experience and abilities.  I'm old enough to be your mother!"  They always start with the same stupid statement, "Tell me about yourself".  I want to say, I love chips and dip, Bon Jovi and ice cream.  But I don't.  I have gotten better and better at answering the question.  Each time it changes a little.  Hey - I can be a superhero if I want to be.  They don't know me.

And I love the 2nd round and then the 3rd round interviews - same questions, different people.  One woman  was interviewing me via video conference.  When I tried to ask a question, she said, "Um, please hold your questions until the end."  What a sweetheart.  And I really love the HR interviewers who either ask illegal questions, (what does your husband think about you being the primary bread winner) or who tell me how hectic things can get at their company.  They obviously never worked at Roche.  One man said, "Sometimes we are here until 5:30 or 6:00 in the evening."  I tried to give him my shocked face.  I wanted to tell him that I have been at work until 5:30 the next morning!!!!!!

And some companies are heavily into assessments.  At one company I took three 45 minute assessments and then the Wonderlic version A and B when I got to the on-site interviews.  After third round interviews and assessments with this company, they said they wanted me to spend 2 hours with their industrial psychologist.  My husband wanted to call them and let them know that 2 hours was not near enough time for them to figure out what was going on in my head.  And he informed me that the company representatives likely realized I was a bit on the crazy side during the interview process and wanted to confirm it through a trained professional.

Big Ideas

So, as I get larger and larger sitting at home and eating, I have come up with some really big ideas on how to spend my time while unemployed.  Some of these wonderful ideas are even money makers.  For instance:

• I used to HATE the old people who would get in front of me at the grocery store or at Wal-Mart.  They moved like snails and, when they beat me to the check-out, they would usually have a coin purse and pay for their $30 purchase with coins!!!!  It was maddening!  But, now that I can, I plan to go to every store I can during work lunch hours when the working folks try to run errands on their lunch break and move at a snail's pace as well as take my penny jar to buy all my purchases.  I might even use one of those store scooters and weave back and forth in each aisle so people can't pass me without getting hit!
• Biggest Loser - I mentioned this to my parents the other day and they were not really fans but maybe they just need to let it sink in.  Given my new obsession with sweets, I believe I could get to 350-400 pounds really quickly.  Then, I can audition for the television show, The Biggest Loser.  I get a free trip to California and I can make like half a million dollars if I win.  Sounds like a money maker to me!!!
• Work on researching an alternative method for mammograms.  For those of you male readers, so in advance for the graphic description, (and sorry, Dad).  As someone who is not terribly well endowed, the mammogram I had this past Monday was horrid.  Not only is it painful, it is as awkward as heck!  A technician has to play around with your chest, (no guys - nothing sexy about it - trust me) and then squeeze it between to glass plates until it is flat.  I heard on CNN the other day that one of the cell phone companies has come up with an application for smart phones that allows people to have x-ray vision and see through people's clothes and maybe to their bones.  I need to create a "Booby Vision" app so there is no more need for mammograms!  I think this one could be a big money maker.
• I have also watched a lot of QVC, (hey - TV doesn't judge me so it is my friend).  Some of the stuff that sells on QVC is laughable.  I could so come up with something better than the clothing the Kardashians sell or the homemade jewelry that seems to sell very well.  I would create a clothing line called "4 Real People."  It would be for short, stumpy and hefty folks.  Maybe tall people too but not if they are model skinny.  And I could make homemade jewelry shaped like my favorite foods.  Don't tell me you wouldn't buy donut hole earrings!
• I might also do a non-money maker that would make me feel better.  For the 6 weeks I have been home, there has been a surge of religious people coming to our door to try to get me to come to their church.  Unless I pretend I'm not home, (a trick I learned from my mom who used to make my brother, sister and me hide when the Avon lady came to the door) they are relentless.  They want to testify for their religion which I fully respect but not if I say I already have a relationship with my God.  So, from now on, I plan to let them come in and give their message.  When they leave, I will follow them throughout the neighborhood talking with them about the reality crime shows I have recently seen.  If they feel I need to be knowledgeable about their information, I feel they should know about all the sickos in the world.  It seems a fair exchange.  

So - don't worry about me.  I have a lot of work to do as you can see from my big ideas above!!!

Applicant Tracking Systems and Phone Screens

I'm back after a weekend of resume uploading!!  I have now applied to over 100 jobs.  Again, my intent in writing these blogs is to help create awareness for others.

Today we will address the applicant tracking systems I have encountered as well as the phone screens I have had.

Applicant tracking systems, for those unfamiliar, are HUGE black holes on companies career sites.  When you want to apply for a job online, (which is the only way companies will allow you to do so) you must not only upload your resume but also re-enter all of the information from your resume into the system.  It's like filling out a paper application online, (and, of course, if you make it to onsite interviews, you also get to do an actual paper application so the company has the same information 3 times!).

The applicant tracking systems have the following fun features:

• Some have maximum time limits for you to input information.  If you don't meet the time limit - the system kicks you out and you get to start all over again!!  So fun when I'm with the morning Fishers Library crowd!
• It takes approximately 1-2 hours to input information from your resume into the systems.  I'm seriously considering changing my resume to only read - "PLEASE SEE INFORMATION IN YOUR STUPID APPLICANT TRACKING SYSTEM!"
• I get to repeatedly let companies know that I am a white woman over 40 with no military experience and no disability, (David feels I should claim a disability because he feels I am mentally insane).
• The system then scans your application for key words that the Recruiter has put into the system.  Interestingly enough, because I have the time, I have applied for jobs that I should easily qualify to do.  Often I get the dreaded form e-mail back saying the company has decided to go with candidates who better match the experience required for the job.  SERIOUSLY - I don't qualify to be an HR Manager or HR Director?

Now to phone screens.  Nothing better than trying to convey your passion and intelligence over the phone.  Some Recruiters are really good at phone screens.  Most are not.  I can sometimes hear them typing in the background so I know they are multi-tasking.  Several have had no questions prepared so they go with the "Tell me about yourself" question.  Over the phone I can tell them that I am a 6 foot tall blond model who played college basketball and enjoy exercise and hiking, (none of these are true for those that haven't seen me.  I'm five foot tall - with shoes on - a brunette and never played college anything nor do I exercise or hike).  I guess it's fun some days to mess with the Recruiters and answer questions in a really odd manner but most days I just want a job.  Bring me in for face-to-face interviews!!!  And some companies have brought me in for what I thought was going to be face-to-face interviews but it turned out to be video conference interviews!  Nothing like the herky jerky video conference that stops in mid-sentence.  One video conference began without the woman on the other end knowing and she was actually picking her nose on camera.  Really!!!!!  At least I didn't have to shake her hand!

Unemployment, Personal Hygiene, Time Fillers

Today's unemployment lesson - brought to you from the Fishers Public Library, (those of you who are LaQueesha fans - she changed her nail color to blue and black stripes.  Likely will increase her employment chances two-fold).

As I enter my 6th week of unemployment, I realize that my personal hygiene is not to my normal obsessive standards.  Showers come late in the day, unless I have a coffee or lunch meeting!!!  Sleep is plentiful.  In fact, I may have to negotiate an afternoon nap into any employment offers I receive as I really enjoy that extra sleep.

I have also become quite concerned as my TV habits have changed.  There seems to be an endless supply of crime reality shows on TV.  I have assessed nearly every one and realize that we have many more kid killers than I ever would have guessed, there are several Notorious people I have never heard of and crimes of passion are seemingly endless.  On the upside, I have begun to take notes on innovative, (yes I used the word innovative all you Roche fans - it is, after all one of your cultural beliefs) ways to off my husband if he doesn't begin to be nicer to me.  Did you know you can completely dissolve a human body in acid in a matter of minutes.  Good stuff.

I also have determined that the TV sitcom, Friends, was a good show.  I watched a marathon the other night and it's still funny.  Chandler and Monica were getting married but Chandler had cold feet and Rachel is pregnant with Ross' baby.  And that Joey - "How you doin?".

Ellen Degeneres is also at the top of my list.  She doesn't conduct boring interviews with her guests or make them cry like Oprah.  She makes them do hilarious things.  She may be my new idol.  As I go back into the employment world, (hopefully sooner rather than later.  As you can see, my IQ is dwindling daily!) I think I might use her methodology as a leader.  I'll have my direct reports and maybe even the business leaders I support do funny, awkward stunts or role playing.  It will make my day go quicker and keep the laughter going.

On a serious note, I have found that I am reconnecting with friends and family that I had not seen in many years.  I had dinner with 2 ladies I went to high school with that I had not seen in over 20 years.  How crazy is that.  And we picked right back up where we left off - as immature as we were back then.  It was lots of fun!

Take care and heed these lessons - you just never know when they might come in handy.

Resume Writing & Networking

Coming to you live from the Fishers Public library - it is not yet video game time so I have about an hour to do computer work before the video crowd gets here - it's the unemployed Wheeler.

Just to clarify for some of you who felt like I needed to tell my husband to share his computer with me to take me out of the Fishers Computer Lab underworld, he has a Mac and I am strictly a PC gal so I don't want to use his computer!  He is willing to share so no hard feelings to Dave.

More unemployment learning - today it is regarding resume writing and networking.

I have been in HR roles for the last 21 years, (I started when I was 18!!).  So I thought I was pretty much an expert on resumes.  WRONG!!!!  I sent my most recent resume to a Recruiter friend at Roche, (not to put her on the spot and mention her name - let's just call her KS).  She is usually a kind, gentle soul.  But when you show her a crappy resume - oh my goodness!  She e-mailed it back and let me know that it looked like something from the 80's.  I felt the 80's were good years for me so I was a little slow to get her point.  But she didn't stop there.  She sent me some example resumes to utilize and basically let me know I needed to start all over again.  Sometimes you have to practice tough love to help someone.  I learned that the resumes of today need to hi-lite skills, have an executive summary, list achievements versus just responsibilities and stick to two pages.  TWO PAGES - SERIOUSLY.  I am worth at least 4 pages!  But I took her advise and reworked the resume.  It's not perfect but it is getting noticed so she was 100% right.

I also have learned what power networking is like.  Envision speed dating but with the intent of making a match with the person you are networking with and a target company you want to work with.  I'm not a social butterfly.  More like a caterpillar preferring the cocoon.  So this has been a real stretch for me.  As one of the "Unemployed Club of Indy", (this is a club you DO NOT want to belong to) said the other day, "If I have to do one more coffee or lunch meeting to network, I'm going to scream.  I've gained 10 pounds trying to get contact names from networking!!".  She is so right.  The people at Starbuck's know me by name - kinda sad.  The good news is, if you show the puppy dog face and rummage around in your purse when the bill comes, most people will take the lunch or breakfast bill and pay for it since I'm unemployed.  So at least I'm cutting down on my grocery bills.

I received a call back from one of the companies at which I have had two rounds of interviews and multiple on-line assessments.  They want me to meet with their Industrial Psychologist next week.  My husband says it is because they have an inkling that I'm mentally insane.  I think they just have never had such an interesting and brilliant person apply and they seek to understand my brain and write clinical papers that will make them famous.  I could be wrong...

Filing for Unemployment

Well, I have begun learning some life lessons about being unemployed. 

The first has to do with using computers at the public library.  More people than you might think use the computers at the public libraries.  Always go in morning if you want to "hang out" with the unemployed crowd - some in this group are likely also without housing or showers as the odor with this crowd is a but stinky.  Also a heavy smoker crowd.  Afternoons in the computer lab will find you in the company of primarily young boys playing computer video games.  A lively group but I feel a bit like a pervert sitting amongst them.  I usually just hit the spacebar on my library computer repeatedly so they all think I'm intently playing a video game myself versus someone with no job.  One of my favorite characters at the library computer lab is Laquisha, (not sure of her spelling).  She is a very loud middle aged woman who is seeking work as a hair dresser.  I know this because the computer lab also serves as her personal phone booth.  She has finger nails that are about 3 inches long each and can chew gum louder than anyone I have ever known.  She has a unique approach to her job hunt.  She calls potential employers and begins by saying, "Honey, you need to hire me."  She tells whomever she has reached via phone that she is a wonderful hairdresser who doesn't yet have any real hair styling experience but she has been friends with hair dressers all her life.  Since I have seen her at the library pretty consistently for the last 4 weeks, I'm assuming her sales pitch isn't working so well.

Another key learning; filing for unemployment is one of the most time-intensive processes I have ever been through.  You have to sign in blood electronically and swear on the name of your first-born child to ensure you are telling the truth.  There are over 100 questions you must answer to register for unemployment then you must submit a claim every Sunday.  You have to submit proof that you have actively sought jobs including the names and addresses of all employers you have spoken with.  I have chosen not to submit my claims through the library computers as I'm pretty convinced some of the computer lab crowd are trolling the lab to get personal data off of nearby computers so they can steal my identity.  

It's a rough world in the Fishers Library basement - you grow up pretty fast in the unemployment gang!

Becoming Unemployed

Hello!  Since I was 13 years old, I have had gainful employment.  Over 30 years later, I have no job for the first time in my life.  One day I was a top performer, a week later I was asked to compromise my principles or leave my company of 10+ years.  I left.  How hard can it be to find a job. Oh my gosh - most people have no idea of the trials and tribulations of those who are unemployed.  I'm writing this blog to share my journey and maybe help someone along the way.

My last day with my company was March 9, 2012.

Day 1 - post-employment.  Absolute self pity party.  Woe is me - how could this have happened?  Spent the day running financials to see how we make things work and for how long.  No idea where to begin.  I'm an HR Professional for heaven's sake - shouldn't I know exactly what to do?

Try to reach outplacement company to no avail.  I don't even have my own PC at home - I have used my company computer for the last 11 years.

About five days into my unemployment I have some thoughts:

• Should I check into unemployment wages?
• How do I get life insurance coverage since the company's will end?
• Shouldn't I put a resume together?
• Should I just cruise job boards to find the job of my dreams?
• Shouldn't there be a checklist for people in my situation - I have yet to find a good checklist.

Which way is up?  People have asked how they can help.  What should I tell them?